“Tells” That Indicate The Chef Sucks

 

Since the duties of a chef reach far and wide, there will be various “Tells” that indicate the chef does indeed suck. Sucking is not exclusive to food prep.  The landscape in the culinary world tells us freakin’ everyone is a rising star, guru, sage, mystic, guiding light or culinary savior. No one is average anymore. I know from 1st hand experience that average isn’t a bad thing. Many in kitchens will never even get a sniff of average to measure their competence. 

Now just because a chef is gifted at making food in no way gets them off the kitchen suck index. There are no exchange indexes in this grading curve. It’s simple. You suck. And I know you suck, save me from the ego parade or speeches. The smoke screen you use is evidence of an insecure ego and bacon moments from catching fire in the oven.

We don’t want to jump to conclusions by using bad information or opinions. Just hard common sense, not hard heads. So, if a chef doesn’t allow every request that’s not on the menu it doesn’t mean they suck. That is really weak anyway. We want “string up by the “knades” justice quality evidence. Not innuendo. Once again for those that really need the disclaimer this article has no political correctness, or any religious/political basis. It’s all built on nothing more than an itch I can’t reach nor would ask a stranger for help with.

Every tell can’t be listed here but with the given space, here we go:

The chef’s cooking acumen sucks if the stock pot has carrot peelings, assorted lettuce leaves, bell pepper cores, celery stems & leaves in it, usually for an unnerving amount of time. Done usually to “cut costs” at the expense of the final flavor of the stock. They never figure out that saving garbage never helps anything.

The chef sucks if they wear shoes that have enough food layered on them to become their own food group. I have never been able to figure out why anyone would wear filthy shoes in any situation where cleanliness is a must. The worst suckers are the ones that do this and don’t wear socks. Yes, they do exist.

The Chef sucks if they REQUIRE you to address them as chef. Why? Mama give you a crappy 1st name? I know you are the chef your highness! Where did you forget your scepter today? My bad, that’s a spoon but I can show you where to put it and it will always be close.

The Chef sucks if they excuse bullying. Short tempered, mean, verbally abusive and sometimes physical behavior have no place in the kitchen. There are a surprising number of the pie holes out there. 

If the Chef hands their staff “3 or 4” towels and expects that to be enough to maintain and upkeep food production for an entire shift, they REALLY Suck.  Which Dr. Who clothes washing time machine are they spin cycling their heads in?  How does this ever happen?

The chef really sucks if they condone sexual harassment which includes doing nothing. The staff horsing around within their comfort zone is one thing. Unwanted advances and touching/grabbing is quite another. No matter if its heterosexual or homosexual advances. Although it would be nice if a few of you gay guys propositioned me once in a while on my looks (get that midlife crisis thing under wraps for once). Gay compliments won’t motivate my wife to run us both over. She’ll be laughing too hard to drive or shoot straight.  Isn’t it common knowledge that wives dress their husbands questionably to mark their territory? 

The chef really sucks if they make their best trained staff members work every weekend starting on Thursday. This is a huge Tell. What is the difference between a slow Friday night and a busy Monday night? I always made sure my crew, all of them had rotating weekends off so they could lead a more normal and less stressful life. If you stand in the way of this approach, you suck.

A really good Tell is by smell.  If it’s not minty clean or lemony fresh well then Houston we may really have a problem.  Chefs that suck smell like coffee and cigarettes, petrified beef fat, burnt fryer oil, old fish or the turkey trots.   When forced to they will admit it’s not vinegar you smell but indeed their skivvies.

If a chef makes pastries using butter flavored shortening, and pronounces it a buttercream because he threw two pounds into the 10# batch, they suck. Having been responsible for pastry production by my own hand on numerous occasions and kitchens it really is irritating to see a so-called butter cream withstand direct sunlight by pointing out it’s the air conditioning keeping it together. Try the word “icing” instead cowboy.

 A chef really sucks when they treat their staff based off some irrational cast system. Some are important and the rest are…………what are their names again? If Captain Sucko can’t figure out that without a dishwasher the restaurant comes to a complete halt they are the problem, not the porter.

A chef that thinks working extra “voluntary” hours or the dubious “salaried” premise continuously and without any real recognition or compensation sucks big time. Their bad career choice is now your headache. Many a time this comes in the form of working through a lunch break, punching out (not the Chef but understandable if so) and staying another 20 minutes or so on your time. It is a sneaky guilt tripping method that worked on them and they continue this manipulation under the guise of questioning professional pride or commitment.

Seeing bottles of hot sauce or an ash tray on the chef’s desk is a Tell the palate of that chef sucks. That palate has left the building Elvis. It’s one thing to use a condiment while inhaling a meal when you are placing orders at your desk. It’s quite another to have them within daily ready reach. Yes, this is a strike on the suck score board.

Finding the kitchen 1st Aid kit dirty, disorganized or vacant of supplies is a big TELL THIS CHEF SUCKS. A dangerous place like a kitchen needs a 1st class medical box and not having one is completely inexcusable. It shows no self-respect and no respect for anyone else. A cheap 1st aid box is not a pardon, its evidence of suckage subterfuge.

If the chef makes something they feel is a 1st and proclaim they are indeed the first, then 99% probability they suck.  99% probability someone else did it already in some form, somewhere else, before them.  Why not just speak the truth of it and say its a first for them?

The chef who is not a teacher sucks. Teaching in a kitchen leads to everything good in the kitchen. No passing on of information is like life without sunshine. It’s a very dark, cold & clammy place to be and it SUCKS😊

A chef that does not listen to their staff SUCKS.  Does this need explaining?

And finally, for me for now: A chef that does not allow music in the kitchen SUCKS!!!!!!! What is life without Rock ‘n’ Roll Dude? When the staff be jamming MON the cooks be smiling and all the people be happy like the rainbow. In summation, quit sucking on my rainbow chef!

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